The Full Monty in Amsterdam

Kimberly’s husband George is an incredibly high-functioning man in his chosen profession. He comands respect, and people like him. He is polite and knows how to finesse situations so people on both ends of a situatoin are happy.

But when he is with his family, George is not a great decision maker. (He resembles my husband Matthew in this way.) George bids on school busses and out-of-date vehicles on eBay without telling Kim. Books vacations that will make her motion sick. When he is at home, it’s like George is challenged to make even a very basic good choice.

Their family took a vacation to Amsterdam one summer. Everything was going so very well. They avoided the Red Light District, smelled pot only a handful of times, and saw amazing history and countryside. On their last full day in the Netherlands, Kim wanted to  visit a local art museum that held no interest for her children. So she sent them on their way, in the “capable” hands of their father.

Follow the Penis


An hour into her quiet, solitary visit, Kim gets a text from her daughter: “Dad is scaring me mom!”

She replies: “I’m sure it’s fine. What’s going on? Where are you going?”

“I don’t know. He told us to follow a penis.”

Ummm….ok. “Where are you right now?”

“The Red Light District.”

Pot Brownies

It would take a face-to-face discussion several hours later to unravel the entire situation. Kimberly was relieved to find out that at no time were her children in any danger. That said, they were exposed to some rather inappropriate things about which she would have preferred they stayed ignorant. Apparently George decided that being in a strange city and the sole “responsible “adult” for his daughters — both under the age of 12 —  was a good time to try a pot brownie for the first time. Because, really, why woudln’t you get high when you are with your kids, even if it is legal? After consuming the brownie, George walked them through the Red Light District, where they saw a man in an inflatable penis costume running through the streets. He literally told his children to follow the penis. Yes, you read that right. He told girls to follow a penis.

There are so many things wrong with this scenario that it’s hard to know where to begin. But for shits and giggles, let’s start at the end: You never, ever tell girls to follow a penis.

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