Gift Giving, Matthew Style

Matthew has a colorful sense of humor. It’s one of the things that drew me to him. He is a big guy at 6’7” and is kind of quiet until you get to know him well. But then, well then it’s no holds barred. That’s why some of the things he does come as such a surprise to so many people. At first glance, he just doesn’t seem the type.

Gifts are one of the many areas where literally anything flies. Here are some examples:

On a family trip to Peru, Matthew and Elisabeth were looking around a local market for souvenirs. With nine-year-old Elisabeth in tow, Matthew chose a ceramic piece of art made by local people. It depicted an Incan man standing next to a woman bending over; he was drilling her from behind. Not only could you see his ceramic penis penetrating the woman, the size of her labia were extraordinary. This chic had the largest, flappiest pussy lips I’d ever seen. This Peruvian keepsake would be part of my Christmas gift that year. Yea me!

Another Christmas, our family sat around the tree opening gifts. One of my daughters brought over a gift for me to unwrap. It was rectangular in shape and felt like a framed picture. I was oh so correct. The picture? The doll Ken taking a picture of Barbie, who was laying back on a couch with her legs up in the air. Ken was documenting Barbie as she did a Sharon Stone move from Basic Instinct. Thank you, dear. Because I know just the place I will hang this for everyone to see….


Some of his gifts have themes. In my stocking yet another Christmas I found anal bleaching cream and a butt plug. Now, this wasn’t any ordinary butt plug. No. This one had a raccoon tail attached to the end of it. That’s fabulous. Because if wearing a butt plug alone wasn’t comfortable enough, having a furry tail protrude between your butt crack is even more so.


For my oldest daughter Ellie, Matthew also provides inappropriate gifts. One holiday, when she had asked for a coloring book, he purchased one with inappropriate pictures. (See below.) And on another occasion, he gave her flasks that were disguised in tampon wrappers. On both occasions, Ellie passed on the gifts to me. Because really she was 13. (Insert hard eye roll here.)

While these scenarios are all good for a laugh, in the end they just amount to literally putting dollar bills in a paper shredder. Thanks, dear.



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