Marriage I: Married Sex

Warning: This blog entry will totally ruin your rosey view of married love, passion, and sex. It’s the honest to God truth, but it goes against anything you’ve likely ever heard. It’s one of the “secrets” of marriage that should have been laid out for you before you said “I do.” This, my friends, is married sex.


Newlywed Sex

When you are young and hot for each other, you and your spouse will have sex any time, any where, any way. Your parents’ house? Yes. A vacation home full of your friends? You betcha. At the start or end of our period? Yeup. A car? Absolutely. A field? Sure. (I kind of feel like Dr. Suess here: Would you, could you, over here? Would you, could you, over there? Would you, could you, anywhere? Yes! Yes! Yes!) You simply can’t get enough of each other. And you think it will always be that way. If only.

Selective Sex

Once you’ve been married for seven years or so, the “any time” becomes “some time.” You are more selective. You are tired. Someone might hear you. And so your average drops a couple notches. He doesn’t love that, but he’s still getting it several times a week.


Then the first kid arrives. At first you don’t have sex because you can’t: You are put on a six-week sabbatical from coitus. And then you can, and you do at first, but honestly  you are too fucking exhausted to really enjoy it much. The feedings every 2.5 – 3 hours though the night and day. The four daily changes of clothes (the baby, you, or both) due to blowouts or projectile vomiting literally suck the energy and the desire for sex right out of you. The baby gets older, and you are hitting it two or three times a week. Then the second kid comes and you are so glad for the six-week sabbatical! You even ask your OBGYN if she can prescribe a longer sex-cation.


Obligitory Sex

Finally the kids are sleeping through the night and you find yourself settled into a routine of once or twice a week (if you’re lucky). You enjoy the sex occasionally. But more often that not, it has become something you do to keep your man happy. When my friends and I meet out for a drink, we all talk about not wanting to go back to the house too early, or the husband will want sex. (We, on the other hand, will be so relaxed from drinks that we are ready to crash.) Several of them share their “trick” of having sex with their husbands the night before to get it out of the way for the week so they can come home when they please without any expectation. Others reveal they use “Operation Tampon” to keep their husbands at bay. (Operation tampon involves the unwrapping of tampons and leaving the wrapper in the trash, while also letting the box sit on the floor by the toilet. Men usually see this and stay far, far away from the silk igloo.)

Here’s another surprise: the tiredness of sex doesn’t apply solely to women. Men get there too. By their mid-40s, the dudes are tired after a day at work. I’ve been turned down for a quickie many a time, often before 9:15 pm. And this is not an anomaly. This isn’t a one-off example. It’s proven. Studies have shown that men peak sexually in their 30s; women in their 40s. This may be biological, or it may be because where people are in their lives in terms of profession, kids, etc. But it’s legit. No, knowing this doesn’t help the matter, but it does help explain it.

There’s a reason comedians bring up dry spells on tv or in movies. It’s not just for a laugh; it’s because it’s true. It’s virtually ubiquitous. But all is not lost. To keep the passion alive, you’ll have to work at it, a lot. (See Chapter 3: Sybian and Chapter 7: Lock the Door, Always) The sex still won’t always be hot and exciting. But it’s the way it is. And trying to keep it interesting is a hell of a lot better than giving up.


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