I remember the first time I heard about squirting. It wasn’t in sex ed. It wasn’t from my OB. It wasn’t even any time before I was 35. I heard it from my husband who had seen it in porn. (Maybe he knew about it before that because he’s a doctor, but he had never told me.)
“No,” I said. “I don’t believe it. There’s no such thing. Someone would have told me.”
“I’m telling you,” he said.
“I mean before now.”
A Little Porn Education
Set on educating me, he cued up a video online he had seen. The camera was set to look over the shoulder of a woman who was rubbing herself, legs spread wide and resting on the arms of the chair. Nothing was happening, besides this woman getting herself off. And then some liquid squirted out into the air, almost like from a squirt gun. “She’s peeing. I’m not fooled by this,” I told him.
“No! She’s squirting!” he said. I was still skeptical. Really, how could I have been ignorant of this for 35 years? We watched the clip two more times. I still didn’t believe it. I mean, even if she was squirting out some fluid, how could it possibly shoot in an arc like that? It’s not like she’s got a dick she can aim with.
The next several times we had sex, I thought and thought about squirting. Could I do it? (Turns out, yes.) What would it feel like? (Nothing, apparently. It’s just wet.) And then, finally, after an orgasm one time when I was riding the cowboy, my legs, crotch, and lower stomach were wet. I mean really wet. Still sitting on the “horse,” I said, “Oh crap. I just peed on you.”
He said with a smile, “No, you squirted!”
“No way!” I said. But upon further investigation, I realized that the fluid was not, in fact pee. It was something else. Squirt….juice? (What do you even call it anyway?) Apparently it doesn’t realy matter; I could do it.
When I talked to my really good girlfriends about squirting, they either didn’t know what I was talking about, or they wouldn’t admit to knowing. And I’m not sure why. We talk about the jizz that drips out of us after we have sex. We talk about how tired we are of having our periods. And we talk about having to go to the bathroom to pee after sex to ensure we don’t get a UTI. So I’m not sure why squirting is a taboo topic. Men apparently can’t get enough of it.
Giving Him a Big Head
Anyway, I have found that being a squirter doesn’t really mean anything. It also doesn’t accomplish anything, other than giving your partner a really big ego boost. The fact that his glorious penis can cause your body to involuntarily emit a clear, tasteless, odorless fluid but gives you no great physical joy is enough to swell to an unimaginable size the ego of any man (or woman, if that’s how you swing). Whatever.
I just wish the jizz men spit out had the same characteristics. (And I don’t want to hear any talk about pineapple juice. I’m not buying that line of shit for anything.)